Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days