Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
2022 be like
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing