*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
You Might Also Like
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
*aggressively waits in line*
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?