Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
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[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile