Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
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Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Q: Why isn鈥檛 the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Good Flirts: I鈥檓 enjoying getting to know you and don鈥檛 want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I鈥檓 trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993鈥檚 Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
How do I nicely tell my dog he鈥檚 gained 15 pounds during Covid?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer鈥檚 mom: you鈥檙e wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
8鈥檚 school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They鈥檝e given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke鈥檚 on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: i can鈥檛 remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that鈥檚 way worse
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy