sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Best seat on the street 😍
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Oh hi lol
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was