SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.