@AimeeHelene1

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

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@notacroc

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

@gbergan

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

@huntigula

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

@dlockw21

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

@

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

@Cheeseboy22

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@MomOnFire

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@Shen_the_Bird

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no