Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
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CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Why I divorced her.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.