sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
It be like that sometimes 😆
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!