Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Nothing to do, you say?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
this is literally a CIA plant
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.