[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Beware of the dog..
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there