SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking