@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Still my favorite headline of all time:
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”