Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there