Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Welcome to the stomach
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Favourite diary entry ever
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…