side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
You Might Also Like
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.