[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Great game to play with friends
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home