Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Employees must applaud the planets.

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!