[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
*watches the world burn*
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Don’t tell me what to do
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.