Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.