[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it