(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.