(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?