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Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.