Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps