sign of the times 🖊
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I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days