Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
this is so top tier i cant
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.