Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Today’s Times
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?