Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You Might Also Like
Carpe DM
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Strangers have the best candy.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then