Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Tough love is true love
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.