Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?