[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
These are my emotional support Pringles.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.