*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you