{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out