*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
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I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work