*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
When can I start eating bats again.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Raisins are grape jerky.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Perfect
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]