*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
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Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
need him
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
uncle dave has been through hell
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number