Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
🙋♀️
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.