signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
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doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
is this how new cars are made??
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.