Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.