Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK
PLS TELL EVERYONE
Where’d he go? 😂💛
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward