Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog