Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
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God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Body by cheese-puffs.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup