[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?