Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.