Simple enough.
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Mornin. * use accordingly
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
What about second breakfast?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode