Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It do be feeling this way.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*