simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!