Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Sell your car
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.