Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep