Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
we all know this pain all too well
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.