Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Ha
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.