since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
You Might Also Like
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Omg 🤣
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..